Gulag Publishers Inc - Free Publishing & Marketing!

Gulag Publishers Inc has been set up to introduce a dynamic new model of publishing, and adapt to the growing popularity of eBooks.

We offer the full package of eBook publishing services:

• Our experienced creative team will polish your manuscript, design a sumptuous cover, prepare a beautifully finished version in all available digital formats and publish them on every online retailer (and select large retailers).
• Our dedicated marketing executives will expertly package your book and sell it to a public that will come soon come to adore you.
• You won’t have to worry about any thorny legal issues once your sales hit the stratosphere courtesy of our world-class legal division.

The best parts?

1. We take any book, regardless of length, genre or perceived quality by other publishing outlets.

2. While you can usually expect to wait for years to publish your book through other major companies, our guaranteed timeline from manuscript submission to publishing is two weeks.

3. The entire service is FREE!

Our Business Model or ‘What’s the Catch?’

We do not take any monetary compensation for our services. That’s a fact.

What we offer is a mutually beneficial contract that helps our business grow. Not only will you sign a lucrative publishing contract with us, but you also receive the opportunity to freshen up your resume with a highly sought-after work placement at one of the divisions of our growing corporation!

Gulag Publishers Inc is a division of Gulag Mining Enterprises, a growing global force in precious metal mining activities. We whisk you away to one of our precious metal mines and temporarily employ your services as an unpaid worker. You will spend your days working in a magical environment surrounded by sapphires, rubies, diamonds or gold, depending on the location.

One of our happy author/miners

Other benefits include:

• Improved fitness and coordination with the help of our mine supervisors
• A chance to experience the wonders of a new country for free!
• FREE catering services¹
• FREE shared accommodation with other aspiring authors
• FREE protection gear and equipment checks
• FREE insurance against mining accidents²

¹ Our menu in currently limited to two forms of low-protein gruel, but plans are being made to add a third form.

² Please note that the policy is taken out against your name, with Gulag Mining Enterprises as the benefactor.

How long will this internship last?

Our fabulous accomodation

Your legal mining work contract (some would call it an extended active vacation!) begins on the day we publish your book, two weeks after you submit your manuscript. With our new flexible model, it ends on the day your eBook makes a mere 1000 sales! After this, you are free to go back to your loved ones and reap the ongoing rewards of your newfound success as an author.

With our publishing team at work, some authors have reached this target in as little as a week! Do not worry if it takes longer, you will be treated well at our mining facility.

Think about how exciting this opportunity is:

• A fast, free professional publishing service
• A free ‘working vacation’
• A high potential for fast success

It’s no wonder that our inbox is full of eager applicants.

Hurry and apply for our scheme now!

3 new ways to lure readers to your ebook

(Light warning: Following these steps might result in a few angry emails and bullets being fired in your direction. Unfortunately, the popular saying “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” only applies to the emails.)

Getting your book sales to take off isn’t easy. Contacting reviewers, hosting giveaways, participating in interviews, going free for a while, building connections on social networks and good old advertising are basic methods used by authors and publishers to give their book a shot at greatness. As with any other product, the results of these efforts vary greatly. You can take two identical author twins, have them write the same story and follow the same marketing plan, but there could still be a large difference in sales.

What's the solution?

There are two schools of thought. One involves authors attempting to manipulate the ‘butterfly effect’ by flying to a different country and killing a butterfly, in the hope that chaos theory sets in and somehow results in more sales for their book. As expected, this has produced mixed results and probably a few hurricanes.

The second, more effective route is to use tactics that are frowned upon in public. Here are three tips, (not) guaranteed to increase your sales figures!

1. Take hostages at a large book signing

Hugely popular ‘Young Adult Author X’ is hosting a book signing at one of the largest bookstores downtown. Hundreds, if not thousands are expected to turn up to grab a signed copy of her highly anticipated epic about the post-apocalyptic love between two vampiric zombies.

This is your opportunity to orchestrate a lucrative hostage situation. Remember to follow the principles of branding, by making sure that the name of your own book appears everywhere during your gun-toting rampage. This could include:

• Wearing custom clothing that advertises your book, instead of a dark criminal outfit
• Forcing ‘Young Adult Author X’ to read the first chapter of your book and give it a glowing review
• Talking to the negotiators at length about your book, and agreeing to release a hostage if the police announce details of your upcoming blog interview to the crowd
• Demanding a million unmarked kindle book sales instead of cash
• Refusing to talk about anything but your book at your eventual trial

You might spend the rest of your life in prison, but we all have to make sacrifices as aspiring authors.

2. Start a gang of innovative pickpockets

Pickpockets in major high street locations usually work by covertly relieving you of your valuables and leaving nothing in return. You can strike a blow for their reputation and increase your book’s readership by changing this model! After you hire and train a gang of such thieves, give them cheap USB flash drives containing a copy of your ebook. Instead of simply robbing their targets, your gang will replace the wallets with these copies of your book.

The downside? Your book’s name might become synonymous with theft and the ensuing rise in crime statistics. It might be worth it if your book is associated with that genre.

3. Lobby for heavy sanctions against nations where your book isn’t selling well

If you have the appropriate connections to get this done, then you’re probably rich and important enough to explore better avenues of promoting your book.

Nevertheless, even if you choose this path and the sanctions don’t go through, you can be sure that your book will at least get extensive media coverage. Most of it will be in the form of angry protestors burning effigies of you, but any publicity is good publicity. Right?

Good luck and let me know how this strategy works out for you! Suggestions and additional methods are always welcome.